Happy Holidays!

Hello there!!
Today was a wonderful day and I wanted to share it with you...this the second year in a row that my sister, the boys and C come to my apt and help me decorate for Christmas...They help me do this because my whole living room has to be completely changed in order to get it ready for Christmas dinner, which I host here. My whole family comes and if it is not done just right...we don't all fit for dinner. It is so much fun having them over...it is a time to be together and talk...in these days when we are all so busy..what with school and work...it is very difficult sometimes to just "hang out"...and this affords us the perfect opportunity. Well, thanks to my sister's decorating expertise and every one's hard work...my apt looks amazing and festive...I love the fact that we are creating new traditions and that I can have an impact in my "kids" lives. My sister has always let me be as involved in their lives as time will allow and I really feel that I had a part in their becoming the wonderful young adults that they have become...

Work is still a challenge but I am doing the absolute very best that I can to make it work. Getting along with "different" personalities is not always easy..but I pray and with the grace of God..I get through every day....I believe that in the long run..it will have been worth it!

OK, here is my obstacle right now....eating right has been a real difficulty these last few weeks...I have been going back to a lot of my old ways...I don't know if it is the holidays, stress or just nervous eating...but I have been making some bad choices...not horrible ones like before the surgery..but ones that just indicate that something is wrong..and I don't want to go down the wrong path again...I have postponed my adjustments a couple of times and I don't think that is a good idea...my schedule has just been a nightmare..but I have to get there SOON! I am afraid that if I don't reel myself in that I will end up in the dangerous part of the ocean and once again drown...
There is a ad on TV about the lap band that has a few heavy people say.."if I just have the surgery"....then I can...(and everyone fills in what they want to do that they can't while they are heavy..)...for example: 'if I just have the surgery then I can run and play with my children again...'...I have a problem with that ad because it makes it sound like if you just have the surgery..then everything else just falls into place....THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT...but the joke is on me...HA! It still takes a lot of work, focus, determination and discipline...the weight doesn't just fall off your body....and THAT'S what the ad should say....
Anyway...I am praying for strength and courage to continue the journey...I have a goal of 25lbs by my surgery anniversary date...if I get there...then I will finally reveal my starting weight....that is the one thing that I have not been able to tell anyone....so keep your fingers crossed!!

I have started to go out there and try to meet new people again...my cousin gave me a great website...www.meetup.com...it has helped me meet some people and I will continue doing that...who knows maybe my prince is still out there...he may have a cane or walker..but he could still be out there..."it could still happen"...I truly believe that...I still would like to be married and settled even if it is for the "golden years"...
I am trying very hard to take care of ME...make sure I am healthy, well maintained and as happy as I can be for now...something that I am not used to doing...so send over your good vibes...

Well, that's it for now...
Happy Holidays....and...
CL8 y'all

It's that time of year....

when the holidays come...rather unexpectedly...I mean we know when they are on the calendar..but they always seem to sneak up on us and we say stuff like "is it the holidays already?"
The holidays are always hard for me...Thanksgiving is a time when my mom's presence is missed a billion times more than the rest of the year. This was her holiday...it was always dinner at our house..ALL the family members...it was her thing and no matter how many times she used to say "this is the last year I am doing this"...the beginning of November would come along and there she was preparing for her big day...she would stock up on the groceries..make sure she had enough boxes of "Missus Cassabasse" (Mrs. Cubisons)stuffing mix and picking the perfect turkey was always the goal..then she would yell at all 3 of us because she thought we weren't helping enough....but the day was always perfect...dinner would be amazing and love was always present at that very long table with all the family around...
I miss those days..but my sister, Paula, does a fantastic job in re-creating that warm feeling and the wonderful food. The stuffing, which was my mother's pride and joy...no one could make it quite like hers...but Paula has perfected it and it is the closest to my mother's than anyone else...
We all drove to Arizona together..I know...I said we would never drive again..but airfare was crazy...
The drive was great...I think is was because we were all in one vehicle. My dad kept me company..talking to me about lots of things...while I drove the long 6 hours to Arizona...he spoke of old times...his sadness concerning the status of his family...I am sure that he would love it if we could all get along better, and could be together during holidays...my other passengers slept the whole way and were not any help in keeping me awake and entertained...
The 3 days in Arizona was great...no drama...spent time with my sister (I miss her alot) and were able to see my 2 cousins that live in AZ and their family...I believe a good time was had by all...now on to Christmas...

Lapband update....working toward 100lb loss by my surgery anniversary...January 22...hope I make it...but if not...it's ok...have to work out more than I have been..I walk but it does not seem to be enough...when i have some extra money..I will join gym and get crackin...I feel great though and when I went to Doc for my annual checkup...he said that everything is great!!
and that's what is most important!!!

Lovelife....ok...seriously...I would actually need one to talk about it..don't you think? How about some help, people?

Work...Still need to increase business..but won't complain...working on some stuff and will leave the rest in God's hands...

Well I will leave you with this little diddy from the family archives...one of my elders...you know father, uncle, aunt...I won't name any names...when we were at a restaurant one time wanted to know what a "supersalad" was...wanted to know how big it was....
Well, the reality was the waiter had asked them if they wanted "soup OR salad"...there you go...how about that...
From now on I will try to share these lovely pearls with you...and please understand that it is not to mock or criticize...but to truly appreciate the varied personalities and quirks of the people that come into our lives and how wonderfull and amazing things can transpire...that just make us smile...

OK....
C-L8 y'all

....a long time

Hello all...
It has been quite a long time and so much has happened...
First things first...
Lapband life: It has been quite a struggle...I can't get the weight loss to keep going. I realize that I was one of those people that had it in her mind that the surgery was the solution and the weight would just fall off and I get to live happily ever after...but guess what it is so NOT like that. The surgery is only a tool...I STILL have to do the work...my brain is my own worst enemy sometimes...yes, I had the surgery but I did nothing to change my thoughts, feelings and old habits. I have been in that dark part of my mind...the part where I don't do anything to improve my life. I think I need to get some therapy..I must get out of this dark place...I need help...and suggestions from those wiser than me....

Work: I left my position in Century City and have been trying to re-build my business and client base. This is risky but I had to do it...I will keep you updated on how this is going.

Family: I feel like there is a big gap growing between me and my immediate family. They all have their lives now...their own things to do and I feel so left out! I have to make a life of my own and not depend so much on them for fulfillment and happiness....but how do I do that??
My dad fell and cut his hand and had to get 6 stitches...I felt that I should have been there for him...should I take better care of him...is that my duty as the eldest daughter? I feel like my sisters feel that because I am the single one that it should be my job...is it? I don't know...
There is so much negativity between my dad and his brothers and sister...my grandfather left most everything to the youngest son and he has kept what should belong to all of them. Unfortunately, we, the children suffer also...I have lost relationships with most of my cousins because of the never ending drama that goes on in the family. I hope that one day we, as cousins, can all come together and show the elders that family and love come before everything.
There are secrets...so many secrets...but do I have the right to reveal them...would it do more harm than good? My grandfather continues to create havoc even from his grave...why was he so mean? Why couldn't he be like other grandfathers that loved his family and would do anything for them...He should have been the one to help teach how to love and keep the family together....but he did just the opposite...very sad....

Oh well, I know this all sounds so negative but it's what is going on right now...I rely on my faith in God and in myself to make things better. and I WILL do so...it's just gonna take time and determination...

I promise to write more often...no really I DO...

Until then...
C-L8 y'all

The Wonder of God's Way

Hello there...
It's been a while and I will catch you all up in a minute...but first I want to share a very special moment with you...you know...one of those great moments when you are reminded that God is always there....

Just recently, I ran into someone(who I will refer to as "X") who had a special part of my life as I was growing up...through circumstances that weren't necessarily all under our control, we lost touch with each other and it was under somewhat negative circumstances. When it happened I was very sad because "X" had a lot to do with my life from a young age. As time passed and remedy was not an option we just drifted further and further apart to the point that I completely lost contact with "X" and we went forward and led our own lives without each other. I thought of "X" from time to time and we had crossed paths a couple of times but because so much time had passed...it was difficult to relate to each other anymore...
Anyway, when I saw "X" again....once again I was a little nervous and you can imagine a bit uncomfortable...."X" asked to speak to me and I panicked...I thought after all this time what could we have to talk about...
With tears "X" proceeded to tell me that just by accident had come across my blog and started reading it. "X" told me that she was proud of me and how courageous I was. "X" respected what I had done and just wanted me to know that. I cannot express how much that meant to me...that my journey touched someone else and especially this person....we hugged so passionately and I felt the time that had gone by just melt away. I want "X" to know that all the love I felt all those years ago surfaced once again. Thank you for making my day, month and year. I still love you very much...if you ever want to get in touch...please do!! I would welcome that with open arms!!

I wanted to share this with you because it made me really believe that anything can happen and that God's ways are mysterious and wonderful. Thank you God for my VERY special moment!

OK, a little update....weight loss has gotten a little slower and I am a little discouraged. How, please tell me people, does one get into and excited about working out and exercise??? I know that would jump start everything..but I just can't get there....HELP!!!

Trying to get some issues resolved at work and trying to really stand up for myself.
This surgery has taught me that I am worth more than I ever thought and no one will stand up for me....EXCEPT me! So I am going to fight....keep your fingers crossed y'all!!

Still working on my relationship. I have to really look at it and decide whether there is REALLY change or do I want it so much that I just see change that is not really there. I am still working on that one. How does one really look at reality honestly when all you want is that "magical" relationship.....still working on that folks. I am doing better though and I don't work as hard at it as I used to...I want him to do some of the hard work. I just have to keep trying to look through clear colored glasses not those deceiving rose colored ones....

Well, my 103 year old grandfather passed away August 14th....the really sad part of it is that we never were really close and I hated that. I used to look at kids with their grandparents and envied their relationship...the fun they had, etc. It was just not meant to be for me. Eternal rest grant unto your soul...and may perpetual light shine upon you....Rest in Peace, Nonno!

Well, kids...that's about it...I have another adjustment in my future (and you all know how I love those)... am trying really hard to keep losing weight so that I may impress the doctor....but I know that I am so blessed with the my success so far that I am happy with my progress....physically, mentally and most of all spiritually!!


CL8 y'all!!

Why is it......

that it is so hard to find loyal people...clients especially....you work so hard...available to them 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week....do the best possible job you can and still they will leave you in a heartbeat...
I had many clients like that....I have been in this business for 25 years and people have come and gone...but the ones that hurt most are the ones that at like your friends....then the slightest thing or "new" thing that someone shows...they're gone...and for no real reason...not realizing what the loss of business can really do...
That's a tough one to swallow....
Entertainment people are always portrayed as "special" but no one pays attention to the people behind them who help them be special....
All the special things that are given to them and special privileges afforded them....wow...they very rarely acknowledge the "true" team...
Now, don't get me wrong...I am not bitter...most of the time I have been extremely blessed with a client base that has been kind and caring...but it's those few that that you think are your "friends" that hurt you the most...
So many hours, so many secrets kept....working so hard....and for what??

Anyway, had a great week otherwise...am looking for creative ways to boost my business...better my position in the business world...looking for ideas...supporters and well wishers...

As for lap band life...I ate something this week that really set me back to the past that I try to leave behind...I have to stop doing that...sometimes the old Donna sneaks her ugly head and takes over...I get all the old cravings and I so want to fall back on those horrible habits that got me to the weight that I can't even verbalize yet...HELP!...but I don't want to dwell on that moment..have to move on or else I will regress...
So, it's not like it didn't happen because I felt horrible....what I did...was not good...but I won't let it get me down...
Moving forward...have to start the new week with with a clean slate...I have a new goal...have to achieve it....

Need my support people to really help me now....this is so hard for me sometimes and trying to do it alone is so incredibly isolating...
This is a 4 day week for me because I am going on a little vacation...just 3 days..but with people that I love most in this world....well most of them...

Have a good week everyone...and please comment, comment comment...I learn from your wisdom..

Until next time
CL8 y'all

Hello all...
Coming along...went in for an "adjustment" and guess what the doctor was a little less than excited with my weight loss....I mean isn't 67lbs good?? He said to exercise and "step it up"...I guess that is his way of "motivation"????
OH, well, I am very proud of myself...I know I have to "get my exercise on" but as a whole right now I am pretty damn proud of myself...
I still get food stuck sometimes and it can get pretty scary....but I have to remember to chew, chew, chew..then swallow...
The mental benefits almost outweigh the physical sometimes...the more I do this...the more I take care of myself....just me..not anyone else..I come to realize how important I am...how great I am...and what a find I am...
There is no need to settle for the mediocre...I am worthy of the best...
I have found new friends...re-connected with old friends and now try to surround myself with people that really appreciate me...the real me...not the one that was always trying to please others...
I feel now that I can say...I am worthy of the best....
Do you guys realize how HUGE that is?? The people that know me, I think can appreciate how huge this is!
I have never thought of myself worthy of much...I always took what I could get..thinking that nothing better would come along...in my work...in my love life...everywhere!!!
Well, guess what people...no more...I am getting better at this...have a long way to go...so much work still left to do...but I am up for it...I am going to be the best Donna I can be....
Those of you that stick around...and appreciate me...bless you!! All the others..see ya!

I am working on my work situation right now and I have to come to some big decisions...next I have to really re-evaluate my love life and how I have handled that badly...but one thing at a time...
I am having the best time...creating a person..that I can respect...

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

Well, that's all for now...

C-L8, y'all!!

WOW..it's been so long!! Sorry about that...
I try to do better...but things happen and time flies...
Here is my question for today...why do people disappoint us?
Is it because you place your expectations of them to high?
I have always gotten very upset ad taken it very personal and concentrated on how it affected me...how much it hurt me....you know..the "how could they do that to me" syndrome...but I never looked at the other side...did I expect to much....did I set them up to fail? I need to stop being the victim...my happiness does not rely on ANYONE else! Having to deal with my lap band surgery, I have come to realize that no one can make anything happen in MY life except ME...
My happiness is my job! I have done so well...learned how to eat better...portions...
It hasn't been easy....it's been a struggle and I have had to learn about myself...the strength the was always there...I had to find it....deep down inside me...
Don't get me wrong...I have had the strongest support from my family (even my dad) and my friends...but the bottom line it had to come from me...inside me...
So now I have to learn how to deal with disappointment...learn to let people off the hook.
Learn that I can't control the choices other people make...and learn how to let them make those choices without being upset with them. I can't be angry...because I can't control it.
I have to love them and support them as they support me...
So that is my quest for now....

C L8 y'all

Well another week has gone by...it seems that there are so many things I have to stay focused on...my lapband...my food...not choking...my work...making a new plan for my future...learning how to stand up for myself...accepting that my relationship may truly be gone...my finances..etc...etc...
How does one do that? How do I do that without getting so overwhelmed..that I just get up and run away? That is what I really want to do sometime...I feel resentment, envy and jealousy...and just an overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to handle it...I keep asking myself "How am I going to do this?" and I truly don't know how...

So many good things have happened to me lately...I have re-connected with one of my best friends from high school and it has been amazing...a lot of time has passed and we have gone through so many things seperately in the past 30+ years..but in some ways our life has been very similar...I had to face the fact that I had a lot to do with the demise of our relationship...my insecurities...my jealousy envy and resentment and in realizing that I recognized that I am doing it again....I am doing what I did 30 years ago...letting my insecurities take over...

Can I take a different path in my career?....can I repair or move on to a new relationship...let someone else in?....love my friends and family in a healthy and positive way?...can I really face the fact a certain relationship may be gone from me forever? CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I thought about it....and I realized that this time I can catch it and stop it. Having this surgery was the first time in my life that I took real control of my life...even though up until then I thought I was in control..I really wasn't...my eating was killing me and taking me away from whatever it is that I am suppose to become and that was when my journey began to go down the right path...this was something that I did...I didn't rely on anyone...I did it! Everyday is more difficult day than the day before...I have to re-learn just about everything...how to eat...how to laugh..how to do everything...
Before, everything I did revolved around my food...what I did...when I did it...who I did it with..had to work around my food...now I don't have that...I have lost my anchor...and that is very scary...I don't know what the heck I am supposed to use as my anchor now...so sometimes I feel like I am going to sink or float away and that no one will notice....
Being alone is the scariest of all..kids grow up and live their lives...friends move on or there isn't enough time spent...family friction is present in many branches of the family tree and there doesn't seem to be a solution for a lot of it...the fear of being alone is sometime more than I can bear....so I pray....I use my GOD box and I pray....

And guess what...some answers...I have reunited with some friends and have spent some great quality time with them...realized how much I missed them...I have been socializing a little more and that makes me happy....went shopping with my sis and realized that in helping myself I may have helped her in some little way... and that was a good feeling
I want so much more for myself...I deserve so much more....and everyday that I wake up..I thank God and then I do myself the honor of being with me...I love myself a little more...accept the imperfections of my life a little more...and do a little more to help myself...and I know that for now that is all I can do...
I know that there is so much more work to be done....but just one day at a time...I had to learn something else.....PATIENCE!!

As you read this..if you have any pearls of wisdom...any little secrets..that can help my process...they would be most certainly appreciated...

Until next week....
CL8 y'all

"New feelings may seem uncomfortable at first. I may be used to feeling afraid and anxious, or depressed and alone. In my new life, I may begin to feel joy or happiness, or peace and calm.

These new feelings are signs that I'm changing and learning how to accept my new way of thinking. Feeling peaceful means I'm healing from all the crises in my past. If I confuse feeling peaceful with feeling bored, I need to remind myself that the absence of fear or crisis takes awhile to get used to."

The quote above was sent to me by my great sis...because we were talking about my feeling things more intensely lately...it helped me put things in perspective...thank you so much...

The other thing that has been bothering me...is my age...I just had another birthday and even though the actual day was one of my best birthdays ever...the number really started to mess with my head...when I was younger..I used to look at people my age and think...wow! that person is REALLY OLD!!! How can they still stand without a cane or walker?? Now here I am and I can't believe it. My dad used to always ask us how old we were on our birthdays and when we would tell him..he would say.."______(whatever the number was) anni perse" which translated means..._____ years lost...meaning what have you accomplished with all those years...so if he asked me this year...it would be 51 anni perse...what have I accomplished...if I died today..what would people remember...what did I leave behind...

So I started to think about that...because now that I am here at this age... I do not think of myself as old.but I do think it was an interesting concept.... so I started to ponder it.....

Getting older... I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always

wanted to be. Oh, not my body, although I am really working on that part! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles I see more of everyday, the baggy eyes, and the sagging skin as I lose weight.... but I try not to get depressed over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind

to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I

am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be

extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they

understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to play on the computer until 4 AM

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,

at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I swim in the in a suit that is stretched over a not so perfect body,

and will jump in with abandon and make a huge splash if I choose to....

I know I am sometimes forgetful.. But there again, some of life is just as

well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not

break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when

a relationship doesn't go as you want it to... But broken hearts are what give

us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is

to perfect and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and

to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could

turn silver.

As I get older, I am learning to be more positive. I care less about what

other people think. I try not to question myself anymore.

So, I decided that it is ok to get older...hey, the alternative is not acceptable to me right now... It has set me free. I like

the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am

still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or

worrying about what will be....and I will keep working on this old body in order to stay healthy and get even OLDER!!!

So, the answer to "what will people remember"...I hope they remember that I was a kind, loving person who tried to be the best person she could be...she tried to follow God's journey....

and the answer to "what will I leave behind"...I will leave behind a little piece of my heart in the hearts of all the people that I loved and a little of my kooky personality...

And that will be good enough!

Have a great week everyone!!

CL8...y'all!!

OK, so this week was a challenge...I know that I am good at what I do...actually I am very good..but I have let myself take a back seat...part of being overweight makes you believe that you don't deserve success...and respect...we let our self be "OK" with the minimum...we want to blend with the crowd because you don't want to stand out...you don't want people to notice...the more invisible the better. If we could become part of the wall it would be so much better...I have let myself become satisfied with the mediocre...minimum success, respect and love....we hide within our large bodies...I used to hear people say "the real you is in there and just bursting to get out"
Well, I think I have begun to find that person deep, deep down inside...she is screaming at me..to take my place in this world and make people become aware of who I really am. I am still getting to know that person...she is such a stranger to me...she is so strong...she believes in herself and she demands respect....but wait....that IS me....why is she so muted and stuffed down deep inside me??
I think I have become comfortable with being "half ass"...all I have been doing is fulfilling my destiny half way....I need to be the full and complete person I am supposed to be..

I am going to find that person who is hiding inside of me and little by little I am going to let her out...I realize everyday that I have the most wonderful people in my world...I realized that I didn't treat some them fairly and my insecurity caused me to hurt people that I would never want to hurt...I am gonna do better....

In lap band world...I think I need an adjustment...I seem to need a little more food than usual...and that scares me...I don't want to fall into the same habits...I have been taking a little license with my food...a little to much eating out...and maybe not the right foods...a scary place for me...so I have to pull it back...way back...
I am going to go back to step one....and keep it real....

I am a little lonely these days....but that will get better...I am trying to be more social...gonna find that special person...but if I don't it's OK too...cuz I am a whole person don't need someone to make me whole....I always thought that I needed a man to make me whole...but now I realize that would make me only half a person and I am not a half....I am a whole woman with so much to offer the right man....but if he is out there...God will show him where to find me...and I will be ready...

Well, I hope the next few days are good for all of us...................

CL8 y'all

So, I am sitting here at the end of another Mother's Day and believe it or not that even after all this time..I still sometimes feel cheated. Why can't I take my mom out for brunch...WHY?? Well, I thought about it and realized that it is God's will. Everyday I have to remind myself that I do not control...it is not for me to say...I must trust and believe. Mother's Day had become kind of a "non day" for me....I decided if I didn't think about it...it didn't exist...but then I realized how unfair it was to all the wonderful mothers that surround me.....my sister, who is probably one of the best mothers I have ever had the honor to be around...she has raised the most amazing young men....my friend who sacrificed just about everything in order to raise a fantastic young woman...and all the other amazing women I know that are also great moms...So I want to correct that today...I want them all to know how much I love and respect them....Happy Belated Mother's Day...Love you all!

Now for what's going on...weight loss has slowed down a bit...the Doctor said I had to start eating "adult" food and I think that is why it's a little slower....I also have to once and for all conquer my biggest foe...my hate for working out and exercize...there was a time when I really enjoyed it but now I just can't get into it...why is that? I just don't get it...I know it will help me on this journey but I just can't get the desire and will from within to do this...any help with incentive would be most welcome...
I have had some difficulty with swallowing issues...I have almost choked a few of times and it seems that stress is a very definite factor. My stress is very high right now...there are a few things that are just not right in my life right now...my work, my personal life and my finances...
WOW..just a few things...RIGHT?!!
I have to tackle each and every one of these...and I will...but I find that I seem to feel things a little differently...I don't have the tolerance that I had before...I feel...feelings....real feelings...and they hurt...and I can't seem to tolerate things that I used to...I was told (by a very wise person) that because my eating is more clean and pure..that I am no longer "numb" and I feel more...
You see when you eat to cover feelings....instead of facing them..you numb yourself to the feelings that ordinarily surface....and the type of food you eat also comtributes to the numbness...fast food, fried foods, etc.... I realized that I have been numb for years..feeling only the bare minimum...and now I am feeling quite a bit...and it's not that great...but I AM GLAD to e feeling something!!
I feel that big changes are ahead but I have to do my homework...and I have to work through the feelings and continue on this journey....this awesome journey....
The weight loss so far is amazing and I do feel so much better..I can walk farther than ever...the stairs to my apartment don't seem so horribe anymore...but...I must continue...I have quite a lot more to go...so I have to forge ahead...
There was a great homecoming this week...we did it...we surprised everyone!!...It was awesome!
Then I had a meltdown...thanks to those who helped...I have to set up a new plan...a new direction...working on that...will keep you guys informed as I get that plan together...

I really want to write a book...but I am not a talented writer.......I wish I was...

and here I am back with no relationship...I think I need to go back to the drawing board and set up better perameters....think more of myself...my mom used to tell me that the moment I don't think of the fact that I don't have anyone...that is the moment someone wonderful will enter your life...well, mom this would be the time...I don't have the time to think about it...I have to focus 150% on my lapband and how that effects my life...there is no time for anything else...so I will have to be ok to be alone...anyway I am pretty good company and I have a great family and awesome good friends...
so no more taking it on the chin and letting things slide and settling for anything less than I deserve...so I will be alone if I must...I hope you're right Mom!!
I need to make some vacation plans, I think...some little getaway..something to get recharged...will be workiing on that.....
Well, another week begins...this week might be a little better...I hope...oh, how I can't wait for the days when....no more CC!! Please God!

I promise to write more often from now on...Here's to a good week!!

I never thought that lap band surgery would make me so vulnerable in so many parts of my life. The fact that I have to constantly think of my food is overwhelming at times...before surgery I always thought of food...but those thoughts were about what I wanted to eat at the time and where I could get it and how much of it I wanted to eat. The gratification was the goal...
Now it is all different...I have to think of food now also...but it is more about...did I get in enough protein today...don't eat "empty" calories...chew...put down the fork while you chew...chew...and don't panic when the the food gets stuck...it's a constant everyday..all day thing..
I have had a few really bad times when the food got stuck..it wouldn't pass and then I couldn't breathe...then I panicked...I have to remember to breathe and think that this, too, shall pass (pun intended)...and it usually does...thank God!!

Those are the physical things but the emotional changes are even more staggering. I never was one for confrontation...but now it seems that I shy away from it even more...I feel fragile...people tell me that it is normal...but it worries me. I am afraid that if confronted I won't be strong enough to stand up for myself. And I don't understand it...I feel so much better about myself..I try to love and respect myself more...but NOW I feel weak and fragile...how can that be?? How can I be like this now...but instead of letting this get me down...I am going to use it to make me stronger and more resilient...how about that....(I will let you know how it works out)....

On the positive side..we had a great party for my dad and a good time was had by all...a couple of uncomfortable moments but nothing major...seeing Bianca, my niece, was so amazing...she is such a beautiful little girl...it was a great to see her.
I was able to spend the night at a local hotel...which was nice...just to be away from home and with other people was sooooo nice. I had a great facial....mmmmmmmmm I love facials... I was able to spend some time with some of the people that work at my office that I don't always get to talk to. I learned a lot about them...it was very nice.

I am still looking to change certain parts of my life...but I have to do that in a positive way...one day at a time and one thing at a time...

Well, my birthday is coming up and I normally have a tough time with it...but I feel more positive about it this year...let's see how it goes...
My wish would be to spend it with family and as many friends as possible...I love that!!!

FCG will be coming home soon...can't wait...

Anyway, on to the next few days....

It has been a while...but I am back..
Let me catch you up...I have had my first "adjustment"...that was not an easy thing.
Well, let me back up just a bit...while sitting in the waiting room, the lady sitting next to me was trying to explain to me how to get around the "eating" thing...
She tried to give me all the "secrets" on how to eat chips....bread....all the things we should stay away from...she kept going on and on and I was thinking to myself....'that's how I got here'...finding the easy way out...so I finally asked her not to tell me any of these secrets...afterall...I paid so much money to do this...I did not want to fail...like I have in the past....
So now the adjustment....this is where the doctor injects saline into the band to "tighten" it so that less food can pass and you get full faster...at first it was a little strange...the doctor injected about 4cc's of saline and asked me to drink some water....but WOW!...the water would not pass..it was the strangest feeling...so he had to take some out...it was still a little difficult to get the water down but much easier than before...and guess what...back to liquids for at least 24 hours...Yippee...more chicken broth...
The first couple of days was a challenge because it felt so much tighter and a little uncomfortable...I actually had a little incident where some cottage cheese got stuck....I did panic a little...it feels very uncomfortable...and hurts a little...but there is nothing you can do to help it along..except stay calm...breathe deeply..and think happy thoughts...until you feel that "ker plunk" and you know the food has passed...
It has happened again and again and is very unpredictable...just remember not to panic and take deep breathes...keep in mind that drinking liquids during an "incident" does not always help...because the water just sits on top of the food....
So now I have started to eat a little more adult food....not much though because it makes me very nervous and I kinda like being in the "baby food" mode...it is a very safe place...
Stress, depression and sadness can really hinder progress....I have had a few situations that have set me back a bit....a disappointment with my niece D and my sister P....the fact that I don't like my work situation right now and my relationship is just not where I had hoped it would be...
I started to feel all these things bring me down and that my progress was in danger....I went back to church and asked for strength to get me through...I really have to remember that I am the number one most important thing right now and I can't fix all those other things...
So I now think of myself first (which is something I hardly ever do) and not worry about what the others think...loving and taking care of ME has always been difficult...WHY IS THAT?
I did have a great past few days...I have a fantastic relationship with my sis C and she helps me no matter what...we laughed and cried together and I depend on her so much...I hope I am there for her as much as she is for me....
Had to learn a little bad news about my dad's health but nothing that we can't take care of by being proactive and positive...as much as he can frustrate me..I am so not willing to let him go...so I will do what I can to promote his health and wellbeing...

Well, I promise to update more often...until then.....keep smiling and think positive thoughts...

You know...when I spoke of "could I do this"..at first I meant the actual surgery..I have heard of those type of surgeries ending up badly...sometimes tragically and I have a tendency to take things to the worst possible scenario...but then I started to think of what this really will involve...me totally changing my relationship with food....
Food was my friend when things went bad in my life...it consoled me...it was always there for me.
It was available for me when I had nothing to do...when I was lonely...what/who would be there after this surgery?? I felt I would have nothing...others had partners, husbands, kids...what did I have?
Well, in the short time since I had my surgery, I found out that I have so much more. I have my Papa (my dad), who has been so supportive, so understanding...making me chicken soup...calling me all the time to see how I am doing and says that he is proud of me and 2 nephews who love me no matter what...I have a great cousin who supports me from abroad...I have a sister who is my inspiration...and friends..so many friends who have shown me that I do matter and that they are there for me....and no matter if I fail or not they still really love me.

I realized that I am blessed...

The recovery time at Carla's was short and it was time for me to go home and continue this on my own...oh my God...could I do this...once again I was doubting myself...which is a pattern I fall into when I get scared. I had to face the fact that my life as I have known it for over 40 years was over and something new had begun. I didn't want to fail yet again...I had to make this work...I had to try to love MYSELF and trust myself for the first time in my life....

The first few days were tough...drinking only broth and tomato soup...but I was determined to make this work...I read a lot, watched TV and movies...wrote a little and crocheted a lot...my friends and family called to check on me and things were getting better....trust me no picnic..but better.
There were 2 people that did not call at to see how I was...people that I thought were part of my core circle and that hurt me a lot...I had to face that maybe I wasn't important to them...that hurt and was hard for me...

My first check up with the doctor went well..he said I was doing real well...I had lost 18 lbs already..WOW...that was great...anyway still on broth and jello!!
I stayed home the rest of the week and went back to work the next Monday...
My first day back was wierd...all eyes on me...like they expected me to have a third eye or something...some people knew and others suspected...those that knew wanted to know...how much?...how many?....all about the numbers....
Numbers, numbers, numbers!!!

I finally came to the realization that my relationship was pretty much over...it never had a chance...without ME constantly working at it to keep it alive..it does not work. He did/does nothing to improve, maintain, or appreciate us...and I cannot do this anymore...
When I decided to do this I had to promise myself to finally for the first time in my life put ME first and take care of ME...worry about ME...LOVE ME!!

This journey promises to be filled with a lot of hills and valleys...and lots of turns!

I had made this decision and wondered if it was the right one...but I decided that it was time to claim my life....

They say..."take care of you"
They say..."it's a whole new life"
They say..."I am proud of you"
They say..."it's the right thing to do"
They say..."you will be fine"
They say..."it will be ok"
They say..."take control"
They say..."Just think..."
They say.."it's for your health"
They say.."I will be there for you"
BUT IS IT ALL TRUE??

The night before my surgery was one of the best nights...Carla spent the night...she always seems to be the one there for me...so we had like a "slumbe"(as my dad would say)..party...I know I can sometime bug her with my fears and drama...but she never lets me down...
Day of the surgery....So many times...I wanted to tell Carla to take me home...I was so scared..doubting my decision...could I really do this? I was really, really scared...
They thought Carla was my DAUGHTER...can you believe that?? That helped lighten the situation...
Next thing I know...it was all over...after a while I was at Carla's house...it didn't hurt to bad...just a little...didn't feel like doing much except sleeping...
The first few days was a little uncomfortable...some pain....a lot of soreness and just feeling yukky...I walked a little and slept a LOT...
First 10 days...just liquids...and jello...that means a lot of broth....tea...tomato soup and water...oh yeah let's not forget the jello...

Well, this is my first crack at this blogging thing...I really don't know where to start...I suppose I could start at birth..but that is boring...so I will start somewhere between then and now...

I am the oldest of 3 girls...and I am very protective of them...we don't always get along but I try to do my best to keep us all together...it can be a challenge but I still try...

My 2 sisters are married and have children...I have 5 nephews and nieces...I sometimes feel left out because I never married or had children...but there must be another purpose in God's plan...just trying to follow my path...

I have always been a heavy girl and I thought that was the reason I never married..but who knows...I lost many very important people in my life....my beloved David...who taught me to be tolerant...my sweetheart Marc..who taught me to laugh and tell the nay sayers to F off!!...my Aunt Josephine who taught me to be patient...and my mother who taught me everything....through all those heartaches I ate...and especially after my mom past away I ate the most...I gained a lot of weight on top of the weight I already had!!! IMAGINE THAT! As the years past more weight seemed to find me...and not being a spring chicken anymore the weight was affecting my day to day life...high blood pressure...pains in my ankles, feet and knees...not being able to walk a short distance without without having trouble breathing and going

up and down stairs was getting to be very difficult...

I tried EVERYTHING...and I do mean everything...I worked with my doctor and nothing ever worked for a long period of time...

I then began to struggle with a decision...a new idea...the solution?...I discussed it with my doctor and he told me to do research and we would talk about it again in a year...well that was 18 months ago and this past Christmas...at my sister's house...after Christmas Eve dinner..a strange conversation began...almost like an intervention...people present...my sister, my 2 great nephews and my adopted nephew...I really don't know how it started but we were soon talking about me and my weight and how they were all very worried about me...I really didn't think anyone spent time worrying about me..but they were...they told me that they wanted me around for a long time and wished I could do something about my ever increasing weight...it was that night that I decided to go ahead and take that leap of faith...

After the holidays I made an appointment for my free consultation at Brand Surgical and discuss my lap band surgery! I was a good candidate and I made the appointment for January 22, 2009...a date I now refer to as my "rebirth" day!