"New feelings may seem uncomfortable at first. I may be used to feeling afraid and anxious, or depressed and alone. In my new life, I may begin to feel joy or happiness, or peace and calm.

These new feelings are signs that I'm changing and learning how to accept my new way of thinking. Feeling peaceful means I'm healing from all the crises in my past. If I confuse feeling peaceful with feeling bored, I need to remind myself that the absence of fear or crisis takes awhile to get used to."

The quote above was sent to me by my great sis...because we were talking about my feeling things more intensely lately...it helped me put things in perspective...thank you so much...

The other thing that has been bothering me...is my age...I just had another birthday and even though the actual day was one of my best birthdays ever...the number really started to mess with my head...when I was younger..I used to look at people my age and think...wow! that person is REALLY OLD!!! How can they still stand without a cane or walker?? Now here I am and I can't believe it. My dad used to always ask us how old we were on our birthdays and when we would tell him..he would say.."______(whatever the number was) anni perse" which translated means..._____ years lost...meaning what have you accomplished with all those years...so if he asked me this year...it would be 51 anni perse...what have I accomplished...if I died today..what would people remember...what did I leave behind...

So I started to think about that...because now that I am here at this age... I do not think of myself as old.but I do think it was an interesting concept.... so I started to ponder it.....

Getting older... I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always

wanted to be. Oh, not my body, although I am really working on that part! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles I see more of everyday, the baggy eyes, and the sagging skin as I lose weight.... but I try not to get depressed over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind

to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I

am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be

extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they

understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to play on the computer until 4 AM

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,

at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I swim in the in a suit that is stretched over a not so perfect body,

and will jump in with abandon and make a huge splash if I choose to....

I know I am sometimes forgetful.. But there again, some of life is just as

well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not

break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when

a relationship doesn't go as you want it to... But broken hearts are what give

us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is

to perfect and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and

to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could

turn silver.

As I get older, I am learning to be more positive. I care less about what

other people think. I try not to question myself anymore.

So, I decided that it is ok to get older...hey, the alternative is not acceptable to me right now... It has set me free. I like

the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am

still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or

worrying about what will be....and I will keep working on this old body in order to stay healthy and get even OLDER!!!

So, the answer to "what will people remember"...I hope they remember that I was a kind, loving person who tried to be the best person she could be...she tried to follow God's journey....

and the answer to "what will I leave behind"...I will leave behind a little piece of my heart in the hearts of all the people that I loved and a little of my kooky personality...

And that will be good enough!

Have a great week everyone!!

CL8...y'all!!