So, I am sitting here at the end of another Mother's Day and believe it or not that even after all this time..I still sometimes feel cheated. Why can't I take my mom out for brunch...WHY?? Well, I thought about it and realized that it is God's will. Everyday I have to remind myself that I do not control...it is not for me to say...I must trust and believe. Mother's Day had become kind of a "non day" for me....I decided if I didn't think about it...it didn't exist...but then I realized how unfair it was to all the wonderful mothers that surround me.....my sister, who is probably one of the best mothers I have ever had the honor to be around...she has raised the most amazing young men....my friend who sacrificed just about everything in order to raise a fantastic young woman...and all the other amazing women I know that are also great moms...So I want to correct that today...I want them all to know how much I love and respect them....Happy Belated Mother's Day...Love you all!

Now for what's going on...weight loss has slowed down a bit...the Doctor said I had to start eating "adult" food and I think that is why it's a little slower....I also have to once and for all conquer my biggest foe...my hate for working out and exercize...there was a time when I really enjoyed it but now I just can't get into it...why is that? I just don't get it...I know it will help me on this journey but I just can't get the desire and will from within to do this...any help with incentive would be most welcome...
I have had some difficulty with swallowing issues...I have almost choked a few of times and it seems that stress is a very definite factor. My stress is very high right now...there are a few things that are just not right in my life right now...my work, my personal life and my finances...
WOW..just a few things...RIGHT?!!
I have to tackle each and every one of these...and I will...but I find that I seem to feel things a little differently...I don't have the tolerance that I had before...I feel...feelings....real feelings...and they hurt...and I can't seem to tolerate things that I used to...I was told (by a very wise person) that because my eating is more clean and pure..that I am no longer "numb" and I feel more...
You see when you eat to cover feelings....instead of facing them..you numb yourself to the feelings that ordinarily surface....and the type of food you eat also comtributes to the numbness...fast food, fried foods, etc.... I realized that I have been numb for years..feeling only the bare minimum...and now I am feeling quite a bit...and it's not that great...but I AM GLAD to e feeling something!!
I feel that big changes are ahead but I have to do my homework...and I have to work through the feelings and continue on this journey....this awesome journey....
The weight loss so far is amazing and I do feel so much better..I can walk farther than ever...the stairs to my apartment don't seem so horribe anymore...but...I must continue...I have quite a lot more to go...so I have to forge ahead...
There was a great homecoming this week...we did it...we surprised everyone!!...It was awesome!
Then I had a meltdown...thanks to those who helped...I have to set up a new plan...a new direction...working on that...will keep you guys informed as I get that plan together...

I really want to write a book...but I am not a talented writer.......I wish I was...

and here I am back with no relationship...I think I need to go back to the drawing board and set up better perameters....think more of myself...my mom used to tell me that the moment I don't think of the fact that I don't have anyone...that is the moment someone wonderful will enter your life...well, mom this would be the time...I don't have the time to think about it...I have to focus 150% on my lapband and how that effects my life...there is no time for anything else...so I will have to be ok to be alone...anyway I am pretty good company and I have a great family and awesome good friends...
so no more taking it on the chin and letting things slide and settling for anything less than I deserve...so I will be alone if I must...I hope you're right Mom!!
I need to make some vacation plans, I think...some little getaway..something to get recharged...will be workiing on that.....
Well, another week begins...this week might be a little better...I hope...oh, how I can't wait for the days when....no more CC!! Please God!

I promise to write more often from now on...Here's to a good week!!