I never thought that lap band surgery would make me so vulnerable in so many parts of my life. The fact that I have to constantly think of my food is overwhelming at times...before surgery I always thought of food...but those thoughts were about what I wanted to eat at the time and where I could get it and how much of it I wanted to eat. The gratification was the goal...
Now it is all different...I have to think of food now also...but it is more about...did I get in enough protein today...don't eat "empty" calories...chew...put down the fork while you chew...chew...and don't panic when the the food gets stuck...it's a constant everyday..all day thing..
I have had a few really bad times when the food got stuck..it wouldn't pass and then I couldn't breathe...then I panicked...I have to remember to breathe and think that this, too, shall pass (pun intended)...and it usually does...thank God!!

Those are the physical things but the emotional changes are even more staggering. I never was one for confrontation...but now it seems that I shy away from it even more...I feel fragile...people tell me that it is normal...but it worries me. I am afraid that if confronted I won't be strong enough to stand up for myself. And I don't understand it...I feel so much better about myself..I try to love and respect myself more...but NOW I feel weak and fragile...how can that be?? How can I be like this now...but instead of letting this get me down...I am going to use it to make me stronger and more resilient...how about that....(I will let you know how it works out)....

On the positive side..we had a great party for my dad and a good time was had by all...a couple of uncomfortable moments but nothing major...seeing Bianca, my niece, was so amazing...she is such a beautiful little girl...it was a great to see her.
I was able to spend the night at a local hotel...which was nice...just to be away from home and with other people was sooooo nice. I had a great facial....mmmmmmmmm I love facials... I was able to spend some time with some of the people that work at my office that I don't always get to talk to. I learned a lot about them...it was very nice.

I am still looking to change certain parts of my life...but I have to do that in a positive way...one day at a time and one thing at a time...

Well, my birthday is coming up and I normally have a tough time with it...but I feel more positive about it this year...let's see how it goes...
My wish would be to spend it with family and as many friends as possible...I love that!!!

FCG will be coming home soon...can't wait...

Anyway, on to the next few days....

It has been a while...but I am back..
Let me catch you up...I have had my first "adjustment"...that was not an easy thing.
Well, let me back up just a bit...while sitting in the waiting room, the lady sitting next to me was trying to explain to me how to get around the "eating" thing...
She tried to give me all the "secrets" on how to eat chips....bread....all the things we should stay away from...she kept going on and on and I was thinking to myself....'that's how I got here'...finding the easy way out...so I finally asked her not to tell me any of these secrets...afterall...I paid so much money to do this...I did not want to fail...like I have in the past....
So now the adjustment....this is where the doctor injects saline into the band to "tighten" it so that less food can pass and you get full faster...at first it was a little strange...the doctor injected about 4cc's of saline and asked me to drink some water....but WOW!...the water would not pass..it was the strangest feeling...so he had to take some out...it was still a little difficult to get the water down but much easier than before...and guess what...back to liquids for at least 24 hours...Yippee...more chicken broth...
The first couple of days was a challenge because it felt so much tighter and a little uncomfortable...I actually had a little incident where some cottage cheese got stuck....I did panic a little...it feels very uncomfortable...and hurts a little...but there is nothing you can do to help it along..except stay calm...breathe deeply..and think happy thoughts...until you feel that "ker plunk" and you know the food has passed...
It has happened again and again and is very unpredictable...just remember not to panic and take deep breathes...keep in mind that drinking liquids during an "incident" does not always help...because the water just sits on top of the food....
So now I have started to eat a little more adult food....not much though because it makes me very nervous and I kinda like being in the "baby food" mode...it is a very safe place...
Stress, depression and sadness can really hinder progress....I have had a few situations that have set me back a bit....a disappointment with my niece D and my sister P....the fact that I don't like my work situation right now and my relationship is just not where I had hoped it would be...
I started to feel all these things bring me down and that my progress was in danger....I went back to church and asked for strength to get me through...I really have to remember that I am the number one most important thing right now and I can't fix all those other things...
So I now think of myself first (which is something I hardly ever do) and not worry about what the others think...loving and taking care of ME has always been difficult...WHY IS THAT?
I did have a great past few days...I have a fantastic relationship with my sis C and she helps me no matter what...we laughed and cried together and I depend on her so much...I hope I am there for her as much as she is for me....
Had to learn a little bad news about my dad's health but nothing that we can't take care of by being proactive and positive...as much as he can frustrate me..I am so not willing to let him go...so I will do what I can to promote his health and wellbeing...

Well, I promise to update more often...until then.....keep smiling and think positive thoughts...