Well another week has gone by...it seems that there are so many things I have to stay focused on...my lapband...my food...not choking...my work...making a new plan for my future...learning how to stand up for myself...accepting that my relationship may truly be gone...my finances..etc...etc...
How does one do that? How do I do that without getting so overwhelmed..that I just get up and run away? That is what I really want to do sometime...I feel resentment, envy and jealousy...and just an overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to handle it...I keep asking myself "How am I going to do this?" and I truly don't know how...

So many good things have happened to me lately...I have re-connected with one of my best friends from high school and it has been amazing...a lot of time has passed and we have gone through so many things seperately in the past 30+ years..but in some ways our life has been very similar...I had to face the fact that I had a lot to do with the demise of our relationship...my insecurities...my jealousy envy and resentment and in realizing that I recognized that I am doing it again....I am doing what I did 30 years ago...letting my insecurities take over...

Can I take a different path in my career?....can I repair or move on to a new relationship...let someone else in?....love my friends and family in a healthy and positive way?...can I really face the fact a certain relationship may be gone from me forever? CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I thought about it....and I realized that this time I can catch it and stop it. Having this surgery was the first time in my life that I took real control of my life...even though up until then I thought I was in control..I really wasn't...my eating was killing me and taking me away from whatever it is that I am suppose to become and that was when my journey began to go down the right path...this was something that I did...I didn't rely on anyone...I did it! Everyday is more difficult day than the day before...I have to re-learn just about everything...how to eat...how to laugh..how to do everything...
Before, everything I did revolved around my food...what I did...when I did it...who I did it with..had to work around my food...now I don't have that...I have lost my anchor...and that is very scary...I don't know what the heck I am supposed to use as my anchor now...so sometimes I feel like I am going to sink or float away and that no one will notice....
Being alone is the scariest of all..kids grow up and live their lives...friends move on or there isn't enough time spent...family friction is present in many branches of the family tree and there doesn't seem to be a solution for a lot of it...the fear of being alone is sometime more than I can bear....so I pray....I use my GOD box and I pray....

And guess what...some answers...I have reunited with some friends and have spent some great quality time with them...realized how much I missed them...I have been socializing a little more and that makes me happy....went shopping with my sis and realized that in helping myself I may have helped her in some little way... and that was a good feeling
I want so much more for myself...I deserve so much more....and everyday that I wake up..I thank God and then I do myself the honor of being with me...I love myself a little more...accept the imperfections of my life a little more...and do a little more to help myself...and I know that for now that is all I can do...
I know that there is so much more work to be done....but just one day at a time...I had to learn something else.....PATIENCE!!

As you read this..if you have any pearls of wisdom...any little secrets..that can help my process...they would be most certainly appreciated...

Until next week....
CL8 y'all