The Wonder of God's Way

Hello there...
It's been a while and I will catch you all up in a minute...but first I want to share a very special moment with you...you know...one of those great moments when you are reminded that God is always there....

Just recently, I ran into someone(who I will refer to as "X") who had a special part of my life as I was growing up...through circumstances that weren't necessarily all under our control, we lost touch with each other and it was under somewhat negative circumstances. When it happened I was very sad because "X" had a lot to do with my life from a young age. As time passed and remedy was not an option we just drifted further and further apart to the point that I completely lost contact with "X" and we went forward and led our own lives without each other. I thought of "X" from time to time and we had crossed paths a couple of times but because so much time had passed...it was difficult to relate to each other anymore...
Anyway, when I saw "X" again....once again I was a little nervous and you can imagine a bit uncomfortable...."X" asked to speak to me and I panicked...I thought after all this time what could we have to talk about...
With tears "X" proceeded to tell me that just by accident had come across my blog and started reading it. "X" told me that she was proud of me and how courageous I was. "X" respected what I had done and just wanted me to know that. I cannot express how much that meant to me...that my journey touched someone else and especially this person....we hugged so passionately and I felt the time that had gone by just melt away. I want "X" to know that all the love I felt all those years ago surfaced once again. Thank you for making my day, month and year. I still love you very much...if you ever want to get in touch...please do!! I would welcome that with open arms!!

I wanted to share this with you because it made me really believe that anything can happen and that God's ways are mysterious and wonderful. Thank you God for my VERY special moment!

OK, a little update....weight loss has gotten a little slower and I am a little discouraged. How, please tell me people, does one get into and excited about working out and exercise??? I know that would jump start everything..but I just can't get there....HELP!!!

Trying to get some issues resolved at work and trying to really stand up for myself.
This surgery has taught me that I am worth more than I ever thought and no one will stand up for me....EXCEPT me! So I am going to fight....keep your fingers crossed y'all!!

Still working on my relationship. I have to really look at it and decide whether there is REALLY change or do I want it so much that I just see change that is not really there. I am still working on that one. How does one really look at reality honestly when all you want is that "magical" relationship.....still working on that folks. I am doing better though and I don't work as hard at it as I used to...I want him to do some of the hard work. I just have to keep trying to look through clear colored glasses not those deceiving rose colored ones....

Well, my 103 year old grandfather passed away August 14th....the really sad part of it is that we never were really close and I hated that. I used to look at kids with their grandparents and envied their relationship...the fun they had, etc. It was just not meant to be for me. Eternal rest grant unto your soul...and may perpetual light shine upon you....Rest in Peace, Nonno!

Well, kids...that's about it...I have another adjustment in my future (and you all know how I love those)... am trying really hard to keep losing weight so that I may impress the doctor....but I know that I am so blessed with the my success so far that I am happy with my progress....physically, mentally and most of all spiritually!!


CL8 y'all!!

Why is it......

that it is so hard to find loyal people...clients especially....you work so hard...available to them 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week....do the best possible job you can and still they will leave you in a heartbeat...
I had many clients like that....I have been in this business for 25 years and people have come and gone...but the ones that hurt most are the ones that at like your friends....then the slightest thing or "new" thing that someone shows...they're gone...and for no real reason...not realizing what the loss of business can really do...
That's a tough one to swallow....
Entertainment people are always portrayed as "special" but no one pays attention to the people behind them who help them be special....
All the special things that are given to them and special privileges afforded them....wow...they very rarely acknowledge the "true" team...
Now, don't get me wrong...I am not bitter...most of the time I have been extremely blessed with a client base that has been kind and caring...but it's those few that that you think are your "friends" that hurt you the most...
So many hours, so many secrets kept....working so hard....and for what??

Anyway, had a great week otherwise...am looking for creative ways to boost my business...better my position in the business world...looking for ideas...supporters and well wishers...

As for lap band life...I ate something this week that really set me back to the past that I try to leave behind...I have to stop doing that...sometimes the old Donna sneaks her ugly head and takes over...I get all the old cravings and I so want to fall back on those horrible habits that got me to the weight that I can't even verbalize yet...HELP!...but I don't want to dwell on that moment..have to move on or else I will regress...
So, it's not like it didn't happen because I felt horrible....what I did...was not good...but I won't let it get me down...
Moving forward...have to start the new week with with a clean slate...I have a new goal...have to achieve it....

Need my support people to really help me now....this is so hard for me sometimes and trying to do it alone is so incredibly isolating...
This is a 4 day week for me because I am going on a little vacation...just 3 days..but with people that I love most in this world....well most of them...

Have a good week everyone...and please comment, comment comment...I learn from your wisdom..

Until next time
CL8 y'all

Hello all...
Coming along...went in for an "adjustment" and guess what the doctor was a little less than excited with my weight loss....I mean isn't 67lbs good?? He said to exercise and "step it up"...I guess that is his way of "motivation"????
OH, well, I am very proud of myself...I know I have to "get my exercise on" but as a whole right now I am pretty damn proud of myself...
I still get food stuck sometimes and it can get pretty scary....but I have to remember to chew, chew, chew..then swallow...
The mental benefits almost outweigh the physical sometimes...the more I do this...the more I take care of myself....just me..not anyone else..I come to realize how important I am...how great I am...and what a find I am...
There is no need to settle for the mediocre...I am worthy of the best...
I have found new friends...re-connected with old friends and now try to surround myself with people that really appreciate me...the real me...not the one that was always trying to please others...
I feel now that I can say...I am worthy of the best....
Do you guys realize how HUGE that is?? The people that know me, I think can appreciate how huge this is!
I have never thought of myself worthy of much...I always took what I could get..thinking that nothing better would come along...in my work...in my love life...everywhere!!!
Well, guess what people...no more...I am getting better at this...have a long way to go...so much work still left to do...but I am up for it...I am going to be the best Donna I can be....
Those of you that stick around...and appreciate me...bless you!! All the others..see ya!

I am working on my work situation right now and I have to come to some big decisions...next I have to really re-evaluate my love life and how I have handled that badly...but one thing at a time...
I am having the best time...creating a person..that I can respect...

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

Well, that's all for now...

C-L8, y'all!!

WOW..it's been so long!! Sorry about that...
I try to do better...but things happen and time flies...
Here is my question for today...why do people disappoint us?
Is it because you place your expectations of them to high?
I have always gotten very upset ad taken it very personal and concentrated on how it affected me...how much it hurt me....you know..the "how could they do that to me" syndrome...but I never looked at the other side...did I expect to much....did I set them up to fail? I need to stop being the victim...my happiness does not rely on ANYONE else! Having to deal with my lap band surgery, I have come to realize that no one can make anything happen in MY life except ME...
My happiness is my job! I have done so well...learned how to eat better...portions...
It hasn't been easy....it's been a struggle and I have had to learn about myself...the strength the was always there...I had to find it....deep down inside me...
Don't get me wrong...I have had the strongest support from my family (even my dad) and my friends...but the bottom line it had to come from me...inside me...
So now I have to learn how to deal with disappointment...learn to let people off the hook.
Learn that I can't control the choices other people make...and learn how to let them make those choices without being upset with them. I can't be angry...because I can't control it.
I have to love them and support them as they support me...
So that is my quest for now....

C L8 y'all

Well another week has gone by...it seems that there are so many things I have to stay focused on...my lapband...my food...not choking...my work...making a new plan for my future...learning how to stand up for myself...accepting that my relationship may truly be gone...my finances..etc...etc...
How does one do that? How do I do that without getting so overwhelmed..that I just get up and run away? That is what I really want to do sometime...I feel resentment, envy and jealousy...and just an overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to handle it...I keep asking myself "How am I going to do this?" and I truly don't know how...

So many good things have happened to me lately...I have re-connected with one of my best friends from high school and it has been amazing...a lot of time has passed and we have gone through so many things seperately in the past 30+ years..but in some ways our life has been very similar...I had to face the fact that I had a lot to do with the demise of our relationship...my insecurities...my jealousy envy and resentment and in realizing that I recognized that I am doing it again....I am doing what I did 30 years ago...letting my insecurities take over...

Can I take a different path in my career?....can I repair or move on to a new relationship...let someone else in?....love my friends and family in a healthy and positive way?...can I really face the fact a certain relationship may be gone from me forever? CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I thought about it....and I realized that this time I can catch it and stop it. Having this surgery was the first time in my life that I took real control of my life...even though up until then I thought I was in control..I really wasn't...my eating was killing me and taking me away from whatever it is that I am suppose to become and that was when my journey began to go down the right path...this was something that I did...I didn't rely on anyone...I did it! Everyday is more difficult day than the day before...I have to re-learn just about everything...how to eat...how to laugh..how to do everything...
Before, everything I did revolved around my food...what I did...when I did it...who I did it with..had to work around my food...now I don't have that...I have lost my anchor...and that is very scary...I don't know what the heck I am supposed to use as my anchor now...so sometimes I feel like I am going to sink or float away and that no one will notice....
Being alone is the scariest of all..kids grow up and live their lives...friends move on or there isn't enough time spent...family friction is present in many branches of the family tree and there doesn't seem to be a solution for a lot of it...the fear of being alone is sometime more than I can bear....so I pray....I use my GOD box and I pray....

And guess what...some answers...I have reunited with some friends and have spent some great quality time with them...realized how much I missed them...I have been socializing a little more and that makes me happy....went shopping with my sis and realized that in helping myself I may have helped her in some little way... and that was a good feeling
I want so much more for myself...I deserve so much more....and everyday that I wake up..I thank God and then I do myself the honor of being with me...I love myself a little more...accept the imperfections of my life a little more...and do a little more to help myself...and I know that for now that is all I can do...
I know that there is so much more work to be done....but just one day at a time...I had to learn something else.....PATIENCE!!

As you read this..if you have any pearls of wisdom...any little secrets..that can help my process...they would be most certainly appreciated...

Until next week....
CL8 y'all

"New feelings may seem uncomfortable at first. I may be used to feeling afraid and anxious, or depressed and alone. In my new life, I may begin to feel joy or happiness, or peace and calm.

These new feelings are signs that I'm changing and learning how to accept my new way of thinking. Feeling peaceful means I'm healing from all the crises in my past. If I confuse feeling peaceful with feeling bored, I need to remind myself that the absence of fear or crisis takes awhile to get used to."

The quote above was sent to me by my great sis...because we were talking about my feeling things more intensely lately...it helped me put things in perspective...thank you so much...

The other thing that has been bothering me...is my age...I just had another birthday and even though the actual day was one of my best birthdays ever...the number really started to mess with my head...when I was younger..I used to look at people my age and think...wow! that person is REALLY OLD!!! How can they still stand without a cane or walker?? Now here I am and I can't believe it. My dad used to always ask us how old we were on our birthdays and when we would tell him..he would say.."______(whatever the number was) anni perse" which translated means..._____ years lost...meaning what have you accomplished with all those years...so if he asked me this year...it would be 51 anni perse...what have I accomplished...if I died today..what would people remember...what did I leave behind...

So I started to think about that...because now that I am here at this age... I do not think of myself as old.but I do think it was an interesting concept.... so I started to ponder it.....

Getting older... I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always

wanted to be. Oh, not my body, although I am really working on that part! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles I see more of everyday, the baggy eyes, and the sagging skin as I lose weight.... but I try not to get depressed over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind

to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I

am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be

extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they

understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to play on the computer until 4 AM

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,

at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I swim in the in a suit that is stretched over a not so perfect body,

and will jump in with abandon and make a huge splash if I choose to....

I know I am sometimes forgetful.. But there again, some of life is just as

well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not

break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when

a relationship doesn't go as you want it to... But broken hearts are what give

us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is

to perfect and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and

to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could

turn silver.

As I get older, I am learning to be more positive. I care less about what

other people think. I try not to question myself anymore.

So, I decided that it is ok to get older...hey, the alternative is not acceptable to me right now... It has set me free. I like

the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am

still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or

worrying about what will be....and I will keep working on this old body in order to stay healthy and get even OLDER!!!

So, the answer to "what will people remember"...I hope they remember that I was a kind, loving person who tried to be the best person she could be...she tried to follow God's journey....

and the answer to "what will I leave behind"...I will leave behind a little piece of my heart in the hearts of all the people that I loved and a little of my kooky personality...

And that will be good enough!

Have a great week everyone!!

CL8...y'all!!

OK, so this week was a challenge...I know that I am good at what I do...actually I am very good..but I have let myself take a back seat...part of being overweight makes you believe that you don't deserve success...and respect...we let our self be "OK" with the minimum...we want to blend with the crowd because you don't want to stand out...you don't want people to notice...the more invisible the better. If we could become part of the wall it would be so much better...I have let myself become satisfied with the mediocre...minimum success, respect and love....we hide within our large bodies...I used to hear people say "the real you is in there and just bursting to get out"
Well, I think I have begun to find that person deep, deep down inside...she is screaming at me..to take my place in this world and make people become aware of who I really am. I am still getting to know that person...she is such a stranger to me...she is so strong...she believes in herself and she demands respect....but wait....that IS me....why is she so muted and stuffed down deep inside me??
I think I have become comfortable with being "half ass"...all I have been doing is fulfilling my destiny half way....I need to be the full and complete person I am supposed to be..

I am going to find that person who is hiding inside of me and little by little I am going to let her out...I realize everyday that I have the most wonderful people in my world...I realized that I didn't treat some them fairly and my insecurity caused me to hurt people that I would never want to hurt...I am gonna do better....

In lap band world...I think I need an adjustment...I seem to need a little more food than usual...and that scares me...I don't want to fall into the same habits...I have been taking a little license with my food...a little to much eating out...and maybe not the right foods...a scary place for me...so I have to pull it back...way back...
I am going to go back to step one....and keep it real....

I am a little lonely these days....but that will get better...I am trying to be more social...gonna find that special person...but if I don't it's OK too...cuz I am a whole person don't need someone to make me whole....I always thought that I needed a man to make me whole...but now I realize that would make me only half a person and I am not a half....I am a whole woman with so much to offer the right man....but if he is out there...God will show him where to find me...and I will be ready...

Well, I hope the next few days are good for all of us...................

CL8 y'all