Well another week has gone by...it seems that there are so many things I have to stay focused on...my lapband...my food...not choking...my work...making a new plan for my future...learning how to stand up for myself...accepting that my relationship may truly be gone...my finances..etc...etc...
How does one do that? How do I do that without getting so overwhelmed..that I just get up and run away? That is what I really want to do sometime...I feel resentment, envy and jealousy...and just an overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to handle it...I keep asking myself "How am I going to do this?" and I truly don't know how...

So many good things have happened to me lately...I have re-connected with one of my best friends from high school and it has been amazing...a lot of time has passed and we have gone through so many things seperately in the past 30+ years..but in some ways our life has been very similar...I had to face the fact that I had a lot to do with the demise of our relationship...my insecurities...my jealousy envy and resentment and in realizing that I recognized that I am doing it again....I am doing what I did 30 years ago...letting my insecurities take over...

Can I take a different path in my career?....can I repair or move on to a new relationship...let someone else in?....love my friends and family in a healthy and positive way?...can I really face the fact a certain relationship may be gone from me forever? CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I thought about it....and I realized that this time I can catch it and stop it. Having this surgery was the first time in my life that I took real control of my life...even though up until then I thought I was in control..I really wasn't...my eating was killing me and taking me away from whatever it is that I am suppose to become and that was when my journey began to go down the right path...this was something that I did...I didn't rely on anyone...I did it! Everyday is more difficult day than the day before...I have to re-learn just about everything...how to eat...how to laugh..how to do everything...
Before, everything I did revolved around my food...what I did...when I did it...who I did it with..had to work around my food...now I don't have that...I have lost my anchor...and that is very scary...I don't know what the heck I am supposed to use as my anchor now...so sometimes I feel like I am going to sink or float away and that no one will notice....
Being alone is the scariest of all..kids grow up and live their lives...friends move on or there isn't enough time spent...family friction is present in many branches of the family tree and there doesn't seem to be a solution for a lot of it...the fear of being alone is sometime more than I can bear....so I pray....I use my GOD box and I pray....

And guess what...some answers...I have reunited with some friends and have spent some great quality time with them...realized how much I missed them...I have been socializing a little more and that makes me happy....went shopping with my sis and realized that in helping myself I may have helped her in some little way... and that was a good feeling
I want so much more for myself...I deserve so much more....and everyday that I wake up..I thank God and then I do myself the honor of being with me...I love myself a little more...accept the imperfections of my life a little more...and do a little more to help myself...and I know that for now that is all I can do...
I know that there is so much more work to be done....but just one day at a time...I had to learn something else.....PATIENCE!!

As you read this..if you have any pearls of wisdom...any little secrets..that can help my process...they would be most certainly appreciated...

Until next week....
CL8 y'all

"New feelings may seem uncomfortable at first. I may be used to feeling afraid and anxious, or depressed and alone. In my new life, I may begin to feel joy or happiness, or peace and calm.

These new feelings are signs that I'm changing and learning how to accept my new way of thinking. Feeling peaceful means I'm healing from all the crises in my past. If I confuse feeling peaceful with feeling bored, I need to remind myself that the absence of fear or crisis takes awhile to get used to."

The quote above was sent to me by my great sis...because we were talking about my feeling things more intensely lately...it helped me put things in perspective...thank you so much...

The other thing that has been bothering me...is my age...I just had another birthday and even though the actual day was one of my best birthdays ever...the number really started to mess with my head...when I was younger..I used to look at people my age and think...wow! that person is REALLY OLD!!! How can they still stand without a cane or walker?? Now here I am and I can't believe it. My dad used to always ask us how old we were on our birthdays and when we would tell him..he would say.."______(whatever the number was) anni perse" which translated means..._____ years lost...meaning what have you accomplished with all those years...so if he asked me this year...it would be 51 anni perse...what have I accomplished...if I died today..what would people remember...what did I leave behind...

So I started to think about that...because now that I am here at this age... I do not think of myself as old.but I do think it was an interesting concept.... so I started to ponder it.....

Getting older... I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always

wanted to be. Oh, not my body, although I am really working on that part! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles I see more of everyday, the baggy eyes, and the sagging skin as I lose weight.... but I try not to get depressed over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind

to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I

am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be

extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they

understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to play on the computer until 4 AM

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,

at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I swim in the in a suit that is stretched over a not so perfect body,

and will jump in with abandon and make a huge splash if I choose to....

I know I am sometimes forgetful.. But there again, some of life is just as

well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not

break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when

a relationship doesn't go as you want it to... But broken hearts are what give

us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is

to perfect and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and

to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could

turn silver.

As I get older, I am learning to be more positive. I care less about what

other people think. I try not to question myself anymore.

So, I decided that it is ok to get older...hey, the alternative is not acceptable to me right now... It has set me free. I like

the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am

still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or

worrying about what will be....and I will keep working on this old body in order to stay healthy and get even OLDER!!!

So, the answer to "what will people remember"...I hope they remember that I was a kind, loving person who tried to be the best person she could be...she tried to follow God's journey....

and the answer to "what will I leave behind"...I will leave behind a little piece of my heart in the hearts of all the people that I loved and a little of my kooky personality...

And that will be good enough!

Have a great week everyone!!

CL8...y'all!!

OK, so this week was a challenge...I know that I am good at what I do...actually I am very good..but I have let myself take a back seat...part of being overweight makes you believe that you don't deserve success...and respect...we let our self be "OK" with the minimum...we want to blend with the crowd because you don't want to stand out...you don't want people to notice...the more invisible the better. If we could become part of the wall it would be so much better...I have let myself become satisfied with the mediocre...minimum success, respect and love....we hide within our large bodies...I used to hear people say "the real you is in there and just bursting to get out"
Well, I think I have begun to find that person deep, deep down inside...she is screaming at me..to take my place in this world and make people become aware of who I really am. I am still getting to know that person...she is such a stranger to me...she is so strong...she believes in herself and she demands respect....but wait....that IS me....why is she so muted and stuffed down deep inside me??
I think I have become comfortable with being "half ass"...all I have been doing is fulfilling my destiny half way....I need to be the full and complete person I am supposed to be..

I am going to find that person who is hiding inside of me and little by little I am going to let her out...I realize everyday that I have the most wonderful people in my world...I realized that I didn't treat some them fairly and my insecurity caused me to hurt people that I would never want to hurt...I am gonna do better....

In lap band world...I think I need an adjustment...I seem to need a little more food than usual...and that scares me...I don't want to fall into the same habits...I have been taking a little license with my food...a little to much eating out...and maybe not the right foods...a scary place for me...so I have to pull it back...way back...
I am going to go back to step one....and keep it real....

I am a little lonely these days....but that will get better...I am trying to be more social...gonna find that special person...but if I don't it's OK too...cuz I am a whole person don't need someone to make me whole....I always thought that I needed a man to make me whole...but now I realize that would make me only half a person and I am not a half....I am a whole woman with so much to offer the right man....but if he is out there...God will show him where to find me...and I will be ready...

Well, I hope the next few days are good for all of us...................

CL8 y'all

So, I am sitting here at the end of another Mother's Day and believe it or not that even after all this time..I still sometimes feel cheated. Why can't I take my mom out for brunch...WHY?? Well, I thought about it and realized that it is God's will. Everyday I have to remind myself that I do not control...it is not for me to say...I must trust and believe. Mother's Day had become kind of a "non day" for me....I decided if I didn't think about it...it didn't exist...but then I realized how unfair it was to all the wonderful mothers that surround me.....my sister, who is probably one of the best mothers I have ever had the honor to be around...she has raised the most amazing young men....my friend who sacrificed just about everything in order to raise a fantastic young woman...and all the other amazing women I know that are also great moms...So I want to correct that today...I want them all to know how much I love and respect them....Happy Belated Mother's Day...Love you all!

Now for what's going on...weight loss has slowed down a bit...the Doctor said I had to start eating "adult" food and I think that is why it's a little slower....I also have to once and for all conquer my biggest foe...my hate for working out and exercize...there was a time when I really enjoyed it but now I just can't get into it...why is that? I just don't get it...I know it will help me on this journey but I just can't get the desire and will from within to do this...any help with incentive would be most welcome...
I have had some difficulty with swallowing issues...I have almost choked a few of times and it seems that stress is a very definite factor. My stress is very high right now...there are a few things that are just not right in my life right now...my work, my personal life and my finances...
WOW..just a few things...RIGHT?!!
I have to tackle each and every one of these...and I will...but I find that I seem to feel things a little differently...I don't have the tolerance that I had before...I feel...feelings....real feelings...and they hurt...and I can't seem to tolerate things that I used to...I was told (by a very wise person) that because my eating is more clean and pure..that I am no longer "numb" and I feel more...
You see when you eat to cover feelings....instead of facing them..you numb yourself to the feelings that ordinarily surface....and the type of food you eat also comtributes to the numbness...fast food, fried foods, etc.... I realized that I have been numb for years..feeling only the bare minimum...and now I am feeling quite a bit...and it's not that great...but I AM GLAD to e feeling something!!
I feel that big changes are ahead but I have to do my homework...and I have to work through the feelings and continue on this journey....this awesome journey....
The weight loss so far is amazing and I do feel so much better..I can walk farther than ever...the stairs to my apartment don't seem so horribe anymore...but...I must continue...I have quite a lot more to go...so I have to forge ahead...
There was a great homecoming this week...we did it...we surprised everyone!!...It was awesome!
Then I had a meltdown...thanks to those who helped...I have to set up a new plan...a new direction...working on that...will keep you guys informed as I get that plan together...

I really want to write a book...but I am not a talented writer.......I wish I was...

and here I am back with no relationship...I think I need to go back to the drawing board and set up better perameters....think more of myself...my mom used to tell me that the moment I don't think of the fact that I don't have anyone...that is the moment someone wonderful will enter your life...well, mom this would be the time...I don't have the time to think about it...I have to focus 150% on my lapband and how that effects my life...there is no time for anything else...so I will have to be ok to be alone...anyway I am pretty good company and I have a great family and awesome good friends...
so no more taking it on the chin and letting things slide and settling for anything less than I deserve...so I will be alone if I must...I hope you're right Mom!!
I need to make some vacation plans, I think...some little getaway..something to get recharged...will be workiing on that.....
Well, another week begins...this week might be a little better...I hope...oh, how I can't wait for the days when....no more CC!! Please God!

I promise to write more often from now on...Here's to a good week!!

I never thought that lap band surgery would make me so vulnerable in so many parts of my life. The fact that I have to constantly think of my food is overwhelming at times...before surgery I always thought of food...but those thoughts were about what I wanted to eat at the time and where I could get it and how much of it I wanted to eat. The gratification was the goal...
Now it is all different...I have to think of food now also...but it is more about...did I get in enough protein today...don't eat "empty" calories...chew...put down the fork while you chew...chew...and don't panic when the the food gets stuck...it's a constant everyday..all day thing..
I have had a few really bad times when the food got stuck..it wouldn't pass and then I couldn't breathe...then I panicked...I have to remember to breathe and think that this, too, shall pass (pun intended)...and it usually does...thank God!!

Those are the physical things but the emotional changes are even more staggering. I never was one for confrontation...but now it seems that I shy away from it even more...I feel fragile...people tell me that it is normal...but it worries me. I am afraid that if confronted I won't be strong enough to stand up for myself. And I don't understand it...I feel so much better about myself..I try to love and respect myself more...but NOW I feel weak and fragile...how can that be?? How can I be like this now...but instead of letting this get me down...I am going to use it to make me stronger and more resilient...how about that....(I will let you know how it works out)....

On the positive side..we had a great party for my dad and a good time was had by all...a couple of uncomfortable moments but nothing major...seeing Bianca, my niece, was so amazing...she is such a beautiful little girl...it was a great to see her.
I was able to spend the night at a local hotel...which was nice...just to be away from home and with other people was sooooo nice. I had a great facial....mmmmmmmmm I love facials... I was able to spend some time with some of the people that work at my office that I don't always get to talk to. I learned a lot about them...it was very nice.

I am still looking to change certain parts of my life...but I have to do that in a positive way...one day at a time and one thing at a time...

Well, my birthday is coming up and I normally have a tough time with it...but I feel more positive about it this year...let's see how it goes...
My wish would be to spend it with family and as many friends as possible...I love that!!!

FCG will be coming home soon...can't wait...

Anyway, on to the next few days....

It has been a while...but I am back..
Let me catch you up...I have had my first "adjustment"...that was not an easy thing.
Well, let me back up just a bit...while sitting in the waiting room, the lady sitting next to me was trying to explain to me how to get around the "eating" thing...
She tried to give me all the "secrets" on how to eat chips....bread....all the things we should stay away from...she kept going on and on and I was thinking to myself....'that's how I got here'...finding the easy way out...so I finally asked her not to tell me any of these secrets...afterall...I paid so much money to do this...I did not want to fail...like I have in the past....
So now the adjustment....this is where the doctor injects saline into the band to "tighten" it so that less food can pass and you get full faster...at first it was a little strange...the doctor injected about 4cc's of saline and asked me to drink some water....but WOW!...the water would not pass..it was the strangest feeling...so he had to take some out...it was still a little difficult to get the water down but much easier than before...and guess what...back to liquids for at least 24 hours...Yippee...more chicken broth...
The first couple of days was a challenge because it felt so much tighter and a little uncomfortable...I actually had a little incident where some cottage cheese got stuck....I did panic a little...it feels very uncomfortable...and hurts a little...but there is nothing you can do to help it along..except stay calm...breathe deeply..and think happy thoughts...until you feel that "ker plunk" and you know the food has passed...
It has happened again and again and is very unpredictable...just remember not to panic and take deep breathes...keep in mind that drinking liquids during an "incident" does not always help...because the water just sits on top of the food....
So now I have started to eat a little more adult food....not much though because it makes me very nervous and I kinda like being in the "baby food" mode...it is a very safe place...
Stress, depression and sadness can really hinder progress....I have had a few situations that have set me back a bit....a disappointment with my niece D and my sister P....the fact that I don't like my work situation right now and my relationship is just not where I had hoped it would be...
I started to feel all these things bring me down and that my progress was in danger....I went back to church and asked for strength to get me through...I really have to remember that I am the number one most important thing right now and I can't fix all those other things...
So I now think of myself first (which is something I hardly ever do) and not worry about what the others think...loving and taking care of ME has always been difficult...WHY IS THAT?
I did have a great past few days...I have a fantastic relationship with my sis C and she helps me no matter what...we laughed and cried together and I depend on her so much...I hope I am there for her as much as she is for me....
Had to learn a little bad news about my dad's health but nothing that we can't take care of by being proactive and positive...as much as he can frustrate me..I am so not willing to let him go...so I will do what I can to promote his health and wellbeing...

Well, I promise to update more often...until then.....keep smiling and think positive thoughts...

You know...when I spoke of "could I do this"..at first I meant the actual surgery..I have heard of those type of surgeries ending up badly...sometimes tragically and I have a tendency to take things to the worst possible scenario...but then I started to think of what this really will involve...me totally changing my relationship with food....
Food was my friend when things went bad in my life...it consoled me...it was always there for me.
It was available for me when I had nothing to do...when I was lonely...what/who would be there after this surgery?? I felt I would have nothing...others had partners, husbands, kids...what did I have?
Well, in the short time since I had my surgery, I found out that I have so much more. I have my Papa (my dad), who has been so supportive, so understanding...making me chicken soup...calling me all the time to see how I am doing and says that he is proud of me and 2 nephews who love me no matter what...I have a great cousin who supports me from abroad...I have a sister who is my inspiration...and friends..so many friends who have shown me that I do matter and that they are there for me....and no matter if I fail or not they still really love me.

I realized that I am blessed...

The recovery time at Carla's was short and it was time for me to go home and continue this on my own...oh my God...could I do this...once again I was doubting myself...which is a pattern I fall into when I get scared. I had to face the fact that my life as I have known it for over 40 years was over and something new had begun. I didn't want to fail yet again...I had to make this work...I had to try to love MYSELF and trust myself for the first time in my life....

The first few days were tough...drinking only broth and tomato soup...but I was determined to make this work...I read a lot, watched TV and movies...wrote a little and crocheted a lot...my friends and family called to check on me and things were getting better....trust me no picnic..but better.
There were 2 people that did not call at to see how I was...people that I thought were part of my core circle and that hurt me a lot...I had to face that maybe I wasn't important to them...that hurt and was hard for me...

My first check up with the doctor went well..he said I was doing real well...I had lost 18 lbs already..WOW...that was great...anyway still on broth and jello!!
I stayed home the rest of the week and went back to work the next Monday...
My first day back was wierd...all eyes on me...like they expected me to have a third eye or something...some people knew and others suspected...those that knew wanted to know...how much?...how many?....all about the numbers....
Numbers, numbers, numbers!!!

I finally came to the realization that my relationship was pretty much over...it never had a chance...without ME constantly working at it to keep it alive..it does not work. He did/does nothing to improve, maintain, or appreciate us...and I cannot do this anymore...
When I decided to do this I had to promise myself to finally for the first time in my life put ME first and take care of ME...worry about ME...LOVE ME!!