A long tough road ahead....

Hello there...
So, here I am in 2010 and it has NOT been easy so far...you know, every December 31st we think to ourselves that the new year coming will be better...and then...reality sets in...it's just a continuation of the old year....


But I digress....
OK, still a little more history....a few months ago I chose to leave my position in Century City because I felt I was not progressing forward....I decided that I would try to re-build my business and try to earn a discreet living...
Well, that was so NOT to be....I realized that in the travel industry people have a very short memory and loyalty wanes as time passes...you always hear celebrities acknowledging their hair and make-up people, their stylists, their clothes hanger uppers...but NEVER do you hear them say.."my travel agent is great...he/she work their butt off to get me where I need to go"...I think that is very sad because travel agents are the people that get them to those places where Hair and make-up people to their jobs!!! Yeah, I can hear you now..."bitter, party of one"...but think about it...if it wasn't for travel agents and all they do...everyone would be just sitting at home going nowhere....can I hear an "AMEN"....
Also, why can't clients pay their bills??? These people puzzle me......

Anyway, so the building up business thing didn't work...so I am really struggling to get by...I am NOW willing now to read all that SPAM stuff in my email box..with all those get rich quick scams...hmmm...I wonder if this one would work....all I have to do is forward this to 4000 people and I would be rich...how scary is that!!!

You rely on your friends and family for support and some are there for you and surprisingly some are not....and I don't even have the energy to figure out why...you hear things like "I got your back"..."I will always be there for you"...."call me anytime" and "love ya babe" and when it really comes down to it....almost no one is really there...
For those of you who have been there for me (and you know who you are) thank you from the bottom of my heart...and for those of you who have not....hmmmm, I just don't know what to say...

Anyway, I have NOT given up...I am going to make it, no matter what..because I have God on my side and I have turned it all to him...so I am just following his path...

As for weight and exercise (uugh!)..thanks to a very wonderful man and a very inspiring phone call..I am going to start going back to class and get my butt in shape...have to go back to the lap band people and get an adjustment and am looking for a real life-in person-lap band support group...
I am going to buy some clothes that fit and move ahead to success!
I think I am also going to go to a therapist...when I can afford it!
Relationships are on hold right now because I have to work on myself...

Until later.....
cya l8 y'all!

Yes, I AM back!!

Hello, hello!!
I haven't checked in for a long time...sorry about that but I WILL explain. First of all I want to say that this blog will be taking a different direction. I will be blogging more often and with much more detail. I will be including pretty much all aspects of my life and not just the lap band experience. The past two months (as you will see later) has tested everything I believe and everything I thought I was. It has forced me to grow and really take a hard look at what goes on around me...

So join me for for this new journey...

Let's go back a bit....Christmas was great...my family was at my home for dinner and I really enjoyed having them. A huge shout out to my Papa (dad) for helping me put on a great dinner. New Years' Eve was a tough one..I was alone but I got through it...looking forward to a great new year.

Happy Holidays!

Hello there!!
Today was a wonderful day and I wanted to share it with you...this the second year in a row that my sister, the boys and C come to my apt and help me decorate for Christmas...They help me do this because my whole living room has to be completely changed in order to get it ready for Christmas dinner, which I host here. My whole family comes and if it is not done just right...we don't all fit for dinner. It is so much fun having them over...it is a time to be together and talk...in these days when we are all so busy..what with school and work...it is very difficult sometimes to just "hang out"...and this affords us the perfect opportunity. Well, thanks to my sister's decorating expertise and every one's hard work...my apt looks amazing and festive...I love the fact that we are creating new traditions and that I can have an impact in my "kids" lives. My sister has always let me be as involved in their lives as time will allow and I really feel that I had a part in their becoming the wonderful young adults that they have become...

Work is still a challenge but I am doing the absolute very best that I can to make it work. Getting along with "different" personalities is not always easy..but I pray and with the grace of God..I get through every day....I believe that in the long run..it will have been worth it!

OK, here is my obstacle right now....eating right has been a real difficulty these last few weeks...I have been going back to a lot of my old ways...I don't know if it is the holidays, stress or just nervous eating...but I have been making some bad choices...not horrible ones like before the surgery..but ones that just indicate that something is wrong..and I don't want to go down the wrong path again...I have postponed my adjustments a couple of times and I don't think that is a good idea...my schedule has just been a nightmare..but I have to get there SOON! I am afraid that if I don't reel myself in that I will end up in the dangerous part of the ocean and once again drown...
There is a ad on TV about the lap band that has a few heavy people say.."if I just have the surgery"....then I can...(and everyone fills in what they want to do that they can't while they are heavy..)...for example: 'if I just have the surgery then I can run and play with my children again...'...I have a problem with that ad because it makes it sound like if you just have the surgery..then everything else just falls into place....THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT...but the joke is on me...HA! It still takes a lot of work, focus, determination and discipline...the weight doesn't just fall off your body....and THAT'S what the ad should say....
Anyway...I am praying for strength and courage to continue the journey...I have a goal of 25lbs by my surgery anniversary date...if I get there...then I will finally reveal my starting weight....that is the one thing that I have not been able to tell anyone....so keep your fingers crossed!!

I have started to go out there and try to meet new people again...my cousin gave me a great website...www.meetup.com...it has helped me meet some people and I will continue doing that...who knows maybe my prince is still out there...he may have a cane or walker..but he could still be out there..."it could still happen"...I truly believe that...I still would like to be married and settled even if it is for the "golden years"...
I am trying very hard to take care of ME...make sure I am healthy, well maintained and as happy as I can be for now...something that I am not used to doing...so send over your good vibes...

Well, that's it for now...
Happy Holidays....and...
CL8 y'all

It's that time of year....

when the holidays come...rather unexpectedly...I mean we know when they are on the calendar..but they always seem to sneak up on us and we say stuff like "is it the holidays already?"
The holidays are always hard for me...Thanksgiving is a time when my mom's presence is missed a billion times more than the rest of the year. This was her holiday...it was always dinner at our house..ALL the family members...it was her thing and no matter how many times she used to say "this is the last year I am doing this"...the beginning of November would come along and there she was preparing for her big day...she would stock up on the groceries..make sure she had enough boxes of "Missus Cassabasse" (Mrs. Cubisons)stuffing mix and picking the perfect turkey was always the goal..then she would yell at all 3 of us because she thought we weren't helping enough....but the day was always perfect...dinner would be amazing and love was always present at that very long table with all the family around...
I miss those days..but my sister, Paula, does a fantastic job in re-creating that warm feeling and the wonderful food. The stuffing, which was my mother's pride and joy...no one could make it quite like hers...but Paula has perfected it and it is the closest to my mother's than anyone else...
We all drove to Arizona together..I know...I said we would never drive again..but airfare was crazy...
The drive was great...I think is was because we were all in one vehicle. My dad kept me company..talking to me about lots of things...while I drove the long 6 hours to Arizona...he spoke of old times...his sadness concerning the status of his family...I am sure that he would love it if we could all get along better, and could be together during holidays...my other passengers slept the whole way and were not any help in keeping me awake and entertained...
The 3 days in Arizona was great...no drama...spent time with my sister (I miss her alot) and were able to see my 2 cousins that live in AZ and their family...I believe a good time was had by all...now on to Christmas...

Lapband update....working toward 100lb loss by my surgery anniversary...January 22...hope I make it...but if not...it's ok...have to work out more than I have been..I walk but it does not seem to be enough...when i have some extra money..I will join gym and get crackin...I feel great though and when I went to Doc for my annual checkup...he said that everything is great!!
and that's what is most important!!!

Lovelife....ok...seriously...I would actually need one to talk about it..don't you think? How about some help, people?

Work...Still need to increase business..but won't complain...working on some stuff and will leave the rest in God's hands...

Well I will leave you with this little diddy from the family archives...one of my elders...you know father, uncle, aunt...I won't name any names...when we were at a restaurant one time wanted to know what a "supersalad" was...wanted to know how big it was....
Well, the reality was the waiter had asked them if they wanted "soup OR salad"...there you go...how about that...
From now on I will try to share these lovely pearls with you...and please understand that it is not to mock or criticize...but to truly appreciate the varied personalities and quirks of the people that come into our lives and how wonderfull and amazing things can transpire...that just make us smile...

OK....
C-L8 y'all

....a long time

Hello all...
It has been quite a long time and so much has happened...
First things first...
Lapband life: It has been quite a struggle...I can't get the weight loss to keep going. I realize that I was one of those people that had it in her mind that the surgery was the solution and the weight would just fall off and I get to live happily ever after...but guess what it is so NOT like that. The surgery is only a tool...I STILL have to do the work...my brain is my own worst enemy sometimes...yes, I had the surgery but I did nothing to change my thoughts, feelings and old habits. I have been in that dark part of my mind...the part where I don't do anything to improve my life. I think I need to get some therapy..I must get out of this dark place...I need help...and suggestions from those wiser than me....

Work: I left my position in Century City and have been trying to re-build my business and client base. This is risky but I had to do it...I will keep you updated on how this is going.

Family: I feel like there is a big gap growing between me and my immediate family. They all have their lives now...their own things to do and I feel so left out! I have to make a life of my own and not depend so much on them for fulfillment and happiness....but how do I do that??
My dad fell and cut his hand and had to get 6 stitches...I felt that I should have been there for him...should I take better care of him...is that my duty as the eldest daughter? I feel like my sisters feel that because I am the single one that it should be my job...is it? I don't know...
There is so much negativity between my dad and his brothers and sister...my grandfather left most everything to the youngest son and he has kept what should belong to all of them. Unfortunately, we, the children suffer also...I have lost relationships with most of my cousins because of the never ending drama that goes on in the family. I hope that one day we, as cousins, can all come together and show the elders that family and love come before everything.
There are secrets...so many secrets...but do I have the right to reveal them...would it do more harm than good? My grandfather continues to create havoc even from his grave...why was he so mean? Why couldn't he be like other grandfathers that loved his family and would do anything for them...He should have been the one to help teach how to love and keep the family together....but he did just the opposite...very sad....

Oh well, I know this all sounds so negative but it's what is going on right now...I rely on my faith in God and in myself to make things better. and I WILL do so...it's just gonna take time and determination...

I promise to write more often...no really I DO...

Until then...
C-L8 y'all

The Wonder of God's Way

Hello there...
It's been a while and I will catch you all up in a minute...but first I want to share a very special moment with you...you know...one of those great moments when you are reminded that God is always there....

Just recently, I ran into someone(who I will refer to as "X") who had a special part of my life as I was growing up...through circumstances that weren't necessarily all under our control, we lost touch with each other and it was under somewhat negative circumstances. When it happened I was very sad because "X" had a lot to do with my life from a young age. As time passed and remedy was not an option we just drifted further and further apart to the point that I completely lost contact with "X" and we went forward and led our own lives without each other. I thought of "X" from time to time and we had crossed paths a couple of times but because so much time had passed...it was difficult to relate to each other anymore...
Anyway, when I saw "X" again....once again I was a little nervous and you can imagine a bit uncomfortable...."X" asked to speak to me and I panicked...I thought after all this time what could we have to talk about...
With tears "X" proceeded to tell me that just by accident had come across my blog and started reading it. "X" told me that she was proud of me and how courageous I was. "X" respected what I had done and just wanted me to know that. I cannot express how much that meant to me...that my journey touched someone else and especially this person....we hugged so passionately and I felt the time that had gone by just melt away. I want "X" to know that all the love I felt all those years ago surfaced once again. Thank you for making my day, month and year. I still love you very much...if you ever want to get in touch...please do!! I would welcome that with open arms!!

I wanted to share this with you because it made me really believe that anything can happen and that God's ways are mysterious and wonderful. Thank you God for my VERY special moment!

OK, a little update....weight loss has gotten a little slower and I am a little discouraged. How, please tell me people, does one get into and excited about working out and exercise??? I know that would jump start everything..but I just can't get there....HELP!!!

Trying to get some issues resolved at work and trying to really stand up for myself.
This surgery has taught me that I am worth more than I ever thought and no one will stand up for me....EXCEPT me! So I am going to fight....keep your fingers crossed y'all!!

Still working on my relationship. I have to really look at it and decide whether there is REALLY change or do I want it so much that I just see change that is not really there. I am still working on that one. How does one really look at reality honestly when all you want is that "magical" relationship.....still working on that folks. I am doing better though and I don't work as hard at it as I used to...I want him to do some of the hard work. I just have to keep trying to look through clear colored glasses not those deceiving rose colored ones....

Well, my 103 year old grandfather passed away August 14th....the really sad part of it is that we never were really close and I hated that. I used to look at kids with their grandparents and envied their relationship...the fun they had, etc. It was just not meant to be for me. Eternal rest grant unto your soul...and may perpetual light shine upon you....Rest in Peace, Nonno!

Well, kids...that's about it...I have another adjustment in my future (and you all know how I love those)... am trying really hard to keep losing weight so that I may impress the doctor....but I know that I am so blessed with the my success so far that I am happy with my progress....physically, mentally and most of all spiritually!!


CL8 y'all!!

Why is it......

that it is so hard to find loyal people...clients especially....you work so hard...available to them 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week....do the best possible job you can and still they will leave you in a heartbeat...
I had many clients like that....I have been in this business for 25 years and people have come and gone...but the ones that hurt most are the ones that at like your friends....then the slightest thing or "new" thing that someone shows...they're gone...and for no real reason...not realizing what the loss of business can really do...
That's a tough one to swallow....
Entertainment people are always portrayed as "special" but no one pays attention to the people behind them who help them be special....
All the special things that are given to them and special privileges afforded them....wow...they very rarely acknowledge the "true" team...
Now, don't get me wrong...I am not bitter...most of the time I have been extremely blessed with a client base that has been kind and caring...but it's those few that that you think are your "friends" that hurt you the most...
So many hours, so many secrets kept....working so hard....and for what??

Anyway, had a great week otherwise...am looking for creative ways to boost my business...better my position in the business world...looking for ideas...supporters and well wishers...

As for lap band life...I ate something this week that really set me back to the past that I try to leave behind...I have to stop doing that...sometimes the old Donna sneaks her ugly head and takes over...I get all the old cravings and I so want to fall back on those horrible habits that got me to the weight that I can't even verbalize yet...HELP!...but I don't want to dwell on that moment..have to move on or else I will regress...
So, it's not like it didn't happen because I felt horrible....what I did...was not good...but I won't let it get me down...
Moving forward...have to start the new week with with a clean slate...I have a new goal...have to achieve it....

Need my support people to really help me now....this is so hard for me sometimes and trying to do it alone is so incredibly isolating...
This is a 4 day week for me because I am going on a little vacation...just 3 days..but with people that I love most in this world....well most of them...

Have a good week everyone...and please comment, comment comment...I learn from your wisdom..

Until next time
CL8 y'all