You know...when I spoke of "could I do this"..at first I meant the actual surgery..I have heard of those type of surgeries ending up badly...sometimes tragically and I have a tendency to take things to the worst possible scenario...but then I started to think of what this really will involve...me totally changing my relationship with food....
Food was my friend when things went bad in my life...it consoled me...it was always there for me.
It was available for me when I had nothing to do...when I was lonely...what/who would be there after this surgery?? I felt I would have nothing...others had partners, husbands, kids...what did I have?
Well, in the short time since I had my surgery, I found out that I have so much more. I have my Papa (my dad), who has been so supportive, so understanding...making me chicken soup...calling me all the time to see how I am doing and says that he is proud of me and 2 nephews who love me no matter what...I have a great cousin who supports me from abroad...I have a sister who is my inspiration...and friends..so many friends who have shown me that I do matter and that they are there for me....and no matter if I fail or not they still really love me.

I realized that I am blessed...

The recovery time at Carla's was short and it was time for me to go home and continue this on my own...oh my God...could I do this...once again I was doubting myself...which is a pattern I fall into when I get scared. I had to face the fact that my life as I have known it for over 40 years was over and something new had begun. I didn't want to fail yet again...I had to make this work...I had to try to love MYSELF and trust myself for the first time in my life....

The first few days were tough...drinking only broth and tomato soup...but I was determined to make this work...I read a lot, watched TV and movies...wrote a little and crocheted a lot...my friends and family called to check on me and things were getting better....trust me no picnic..but better.
There were 2 people that did not call at to see how I was...people that I thought were part of my core circle and that hurt me a lot...I had to face that maybe I wasn't important to them...that hurt and was hard for me...

My first check up with the doctor went well..he said I was doing real well...I had lost 18 lbs already..WOW...that was great...anyway still on broth and jello!!
I stayed home the rest of the week and went back to work the next Monday...
My first day back was wierd...all eyes on me...like they expected me to have a third eye or something...some people knew and others suspected...those that knew wanted to know...how much?...how many?....all about the numbers....
Numbers, numbers, numbers!!!

I finally came to the realization that my relationship was pretty much over...it never had a chance...without ME constantly working at it to keep it alive..it does not work. He did/does nothing to improve, maintain, or appreciate us...and I cannot do this anymore...
When I decided to do this I had to promise myself to finally for the first time in my life put ME first and take care of ME...worry about ME...LOVE ME!!