You know...when I spoke of "could I do this"..at first I meant the actual surgery..I have heard of those type of surgeries ending up badly...sometimes tragically and I have a tendency to take things to the worst possible scenario...but then I started to think of what this really will involve...me totally changing my relationship with food....
Food was my friend when things went bad in my life...it consoled me...it was always there for me.
It was available for me when I had nothing to do...when I was lonely...what/who would be there after this surgery?? I felt I would have nothing...others had partners, husbands, kids...what did I have?
Well, in the short time since I had my surgery, I found out that I have so much more. I have my Papa (my dad), who has been so supportive, so understanding...making me chicken soup...calling me all the time to see how I am doing and says that he is proud of me and 2 nephews who love me no matter what...I have a great cousin who supports me from abroad...I have a sister who is my inspiration...and friends..so many friends who have shown me that I do matter and that they are there for me....and no matter if I fail or not they still really love me.

I realized that I am blessed...

The recovery time at Carla's was short and it was time for me to go home and continue this on my own...oh my God...could I do this...once again I was doubting myself...which is a pattern I fall into when I get scared. I had to face the fact that my life as I have known it for over 40 years was over and something new had begun. I didn't want to fail yet again...I had to make this work...I had to try to love MYSELF and trust myself for the first time in my life....

The first few days were tough...drinking only broth and tomato soup...but I was determined to make this work...I read a lot, watched TV and movies...wrote a little and crocheted a lot...my friends and family called to check on me and things were getting better....trust me no picnic..but better.
There were 2 people that did not call at to see how I was...people that I thought were part of my core circle and that hurt me a lot...I had to face that maybe I wasn't important to them...that hurt and was hard for me...

My first check up with the doctor went well..he said I was doing real well...I had lost 18 lbs already..WOW...that was great...anyway still on broth and jello!!
I stayed home the rest of the week and went back to work the next Monday...
My first day back was wierd...all eyes on me...like they expected me to have a third eye or something...some people knew and others suspected...those that knew wanted to know...how much?...how many?....all about the numbers....
Numbers, numbers, numbers!!!

I finally came to the realization that my relationship was pretty much over...it never had a chance...without ME constantly working at it to keep it alive..it does not work. He did/does nothing to improve, maintain, or appreciate us...and I cannot do this anymore...
When I decided to do this I had to promise myself to finally for the first time in my life put ME first and take care of ME...worry about ME...LOVE ME!!

This journey promises to be filled with a lot of hills and valleys...and lots of turns!

I had made this decision and wondered if it was the right one...but I decided that it was time to claim my life....

They say..."take care of you"
They say..."it's a whole new life"
They say..."I am proud of you"
They say..."it's the right thing to do"
They say..."you will be fine"
They say..."it will be ok"
They say..."take control"
They say..."Just think..."
They say.."it's for your health"
They say.."I will be there for you"
BUT IS IT ALL TRUE??

The night before my surgery was one of the best nights...Carla spent the night...she always seems to be the one there for me...so we had like a "slumbe"(as my dad would say)..party...I know I can sometime bug her with my fears and drama...but she never lets me down...
Day of the surgery....So many times...I wanted to tell Carla to take me home...I was so scared..doubting my decision...could I really do this? I was really, really scared...
They thought Carla was my DAUGHTER...can you believe that?? That helped lighten the situation...
Next thing I know...it was all over...after a while I was at Carla's house...it didn't hurt to bad...just a little...didn't feel like doing much except sleeping...
The first few days was a little uncomfortable...some pain....a lot of soreness and just feeling yukky...I walked a little and slept a LOT...
First 10 days...just liquids...and jello...that means a lot of broth....tea...tomato soup and water...oh yeah let's not forget the jello...

Well, this is my first crack at this blogging thing...I really don't know where to start...I suppose I could start at birth..but that is boring...so I will start somewhere between then and now...

I am the oldest of 3 girls...and I am very protective of them...we don't always get along but I try to do my best to keep us all together...it can be a challenge but I still try...

My 2 sisters are married and have children...I have 5 nephews and nieces...I sometimes feel left out because I never married or had children...but there must be another purpose in God's plan...just trying to follow my path...

I have always been a heavy girl and I thought that was the reason I never married..but who knows...I lost many very important people in my life....my beloved David...who taught me to be tolerant...my sweetheart Marc..who taught me to laugh and tell the nay sayers to F off!!...my Aunt Josephine who taught me to be patient...and my mother who taught me everything....through all those heartaches I ate...and especially after my mom past away I ate the most...I gained a lot of weight on top of the weight I already had!!! IMAGINE THAT! As the years past more weight seemed to find me...and not being a spring chicken anymore the weight was affecting my day to day life...high blood pressure...pains in my ankles, feet and knees...not being able to walk a short distance without without having trouble breathing and going

up and down stairs was getting to be very difficult...

I tried EVERYTHING...and I do mean everything...I worked with my doctor and nothing ever worked for a long period of time...

I then began to struggle with a decision...a new idea...the solution?...I discussed it with my doctor and he told me to do research and we would talk about it again in a year...well that was 18 months ago and this past Christmas...at my sister's house...after Christmas Eve dinner..a strange conversation began...almost like an intervention...people present...my sister, my 2 great nephews and my adopted nephew...I really don't know how it started but we were soon talking about me and my weight and how they were all very worried about me...I really didn't think anyone spent time worrying about me..but they were...they told me that they wanted me around for a long time and wished I could do something about my ever increasing weight...it was that night that I decided to go ahead and take that leap of faith...

After the holidays I made an appointment for my free consultation at Brand Surgical and discuss my lap band surgery! I was a good candidate and I made the appointment for January 22, 2009...a date I now refer to as my "rebirth" day!